Love Notes

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Dear Kohl's:

I love your wide selection of random housewares, games and holiday gifts, and your deep discounts on sometimes cute clothes. And those half-price cashmere sweaters are nearly irresistible, if only you did not identify the color of that brown one (yeah, that brown one? That one that would look so cute with my fun new skirt and brown boots?) as SQUIRREL. Squirrels are ratty and dirty and beady-eyed; moreover, in Central New Jersey, anyway, squirrels are primarily a dull shade of grey.

The brown cashmere sweater is perhaps Coffee, or Tree Bark, even, or Irish Setter -- or, I don't know, just brown! You do yourself no favors by naming your clothing after a dumb, unattractive animal (although "camel" is allowable for lighter shades of brown, only because it's at least an exotic animal, and camels are actually that color).

But I will continue to buy up all of the board games randomly scattered throughout the aisles of the store, and to poke through the vast selection of Roombas and Quesadilla makers and the like, so keep up the good work there.

Love and kisses,
Tangentwoman

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Dear Co-Worker in the Ladies' Room:

I appreciate the courtesy flush, but it's much more courteous and effective MUCH earlier in the game than you seem willing to employ it.

Love,
Breathless Co-worker

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Dear "My Boys":

I can't help myself; I am enjoying you tremendously as my newest guilty TV pleasure. I was annoying with your incessant advertising in advance of last week's premier, but it was clearly effective, because I did watch, and you've hooked me with PJ (whom I still can't place from the NBC Saturday morning show she was on -- yes, shut up, I totally watched all of those from time to time, despite how awful they were, and how indistinguishable the characters and actors and plotlines were, which is probably why I can't conjure up the PJ character) and her awesome brother, of Hot Pocket stand-up fame.

It's not the best show ever, and I don't know how long it'll last, but it entertains me, it has some funny lines, and the characters are mostly pretty likeable. I get why they like hanging out with each other, and I like hanging out with them, and I'm impressed with TBS's first shot (I think, right?) out of the gate with original programming.

But, please lose Stephanie, who adds almost nothing except a vague suggestion that PJ can't relate only to the guys. I'd say make her less one-dimensional and boy-crazy, but even that, I think, wouldn't help much, because I'd rather get to know the other characters. So, please, lose her.

Also? I think you're very quickly going to run out of cliched sports analogies for the voiceovers, so let's get it over with and kill them now. I think it's a fine device for these early episodes, but I'm hopeful it'll go the way of Carrie's camera-talking from the first episodes of "Sex and the City."

But overall, color me pleasantly surprised and impressed.

Love,
Tangentwoman

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Dear Britney:

Thank you for wearing underpants during your birthday celebration! Very cute, and much progress from last week! But, sweetie, you need some help. Seriously. It's scary that Kevin is looking like the more stable parent.

With love and concern,
Tangentwoman

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Dear 110th Congress:

I have such high hopes for you. Please don't let me down.

Love,
Tangentwoman

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Dear Julia (age 7):

Thank you for telling me it's okay to eat the whole pod when I order edamame, etiquette be darned.

Love and kisses,
Auntie Tangent

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