Scenes from a Chicagoland taxicab

So, as I mentioned, I spent some time in Chicago the other day. The ride to my downtown hotel from O'Hare airport was a long one, but I was keeping myself occupied by looking out the window. Usually I'll chitchat with the driver, especially if he's friendly, as this guy was, but I was sharing the cab with two strangers, one of whom was sitting upfront with the driver, and the dynamics were just a little complicated, so I mostly was quiet and just took in the scenery, which included a whole boatload of billboards.

Although I'd never go so far as to do it, I understand the inclination described in "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" to hold up an apostrophe to correct the billboard for the movie "Two Weeks Notice," and I cringe when ads or signs are incorrect. I used to work in an ad agency, so I'm also a little snobbish about ads that are particularly cluttered or unclear. For example, there's a billboard somewhere along Route 1 that I think is to raise awareness about Tourette's Syndrome, but there are so many competing words and images that it's impossible to tell, even sitting in slow-moving traffic, what the heck the "TS" actually stands for.

Anyway, as the cab moved closer to the downtown area, we passed a huge sign announcing "Grand Open - Kohl's" and another touting something -- I can't even remember what -- as "The choice for choosey people." I've never been a big fan of "choosy," but really -- at least spell it correctly if you have to use it.

The best billboard on the trip downtown was one promoting mass transit, I think; these were placed strategically on the overpasses near the most congested areas. Also on the overpasses were remarkably accurate estimates of how badly traffic was backed up; digital signs told us how many minutes it ought to take us to reach the downtown area given the current traffic conditions. For some reason, that information, particularly when it proved accurate, was incredibly reassuring; I wondered if it'd stress me out to think "God, 38 more minutes until we get to the hotel!" but I think the not-knowing is worse. Acting Governor Codey, please look into replicating this idea during the next six months.

The billboard that really got to me, though, was one that featured a giant picture of a woman's smiling face, alongside this copy: "I know nothing calms a stormy night like a friendly voice. That's my promise. That's our way. ConEd."

That is the crappiest promise ever.

"Smelmooo, I know nothing would make you happier than for me to rub your feet every night. That's my promise."

"Boss, I know that nothing would please you more than for me to take care of that report. That's my promise."

"Friend, I know you it would make your bachelorette party much more fun if I were your designated driver that night. That's my promise."

I'm not promising anything! How is expressing my knowledge of something making me in any way accountable? It's absurd. Why should I trust a company that understands that I'd appreciate it if their customer service people weren't total blowholes, but makes no commitment to ensure it happens? Yeesh.

I'd like to call on Dudley Moore, Daryl Hannah and their fellow "Crazy People" for a sequel. Truth in advertising! "Volvos: they're boxy, but they're good. And it's better to be safe than sexy, especially with all those new diseases going around."

See? Just be honest about it, and people like me will respect you for it. "ConEd: our customer service may suck, but you're pretty well stuck with us, so there." That is a billboard I'd appreciate.