The cranky traveler
Greetings from beautiful San Diego! It was a wonderful feeling to leave the airport this evening and walk into 70-degree weather with zero humidity (it also was the shortest walk I've ever had, in any airport, from gate to taxi line. It took me literally 2 minutes, and it was just heaven). Jersey seems to have skipped Spring this year, hitting sticky, disgustingly humid, 90-degree days in the last week or so, so for that reason I am happy to be on the road (although, as a fellow traveler pointed out, it's awful traveling on a day like today, because everything in the airport smells like feet). Other than that, not so much.
When I first started my job, I was all over traveling for work, and even more eager to tack long weekends onto my trips, particularly in San Francisco and Chicago, which are two of my favorite cities. But now that I'm old and have a gazillion things to do at work, travel is a huge pain. I want to fly in and out and be done. Another reason, for this, of course, is that I miss my husband -- and now our dog -- terribly while I'm gone (when I told my mom today that I wasn't psyched about this trip because "I miss my guys," she laughed and laughed, because I'm such a huge sucker for our poor worm-infested-but-nevertheless-adorable puppy).
I don't really mind hanging out in airports; I actually enjoy roaming around the gift shops, catching up on reading or email in the terminal while I wait to board, and -- to a point -- people-watching. I became a skilled people-watcher at a very early age, because when we'd go on family trips, my dad would insist that we be at the gate at least 3 hours before the plane took off, so I have vivid memories of my siblings and me sitting on top of our luggage, making up stories about the people walking by.
This, of course, was in a simpler time, when you didn't hear people's actual stories -- which are rarely as good as the made-up ones -- because they subject everyone in the terminal to their cell phone conversations.
I don't even think I can continue this rant; instead, I'll channel my frustration into an open letter:
Dear Fellow Travelers,
I know that the TSA people now require us to take our shoes off when we go through security, and I know that it sucks, especially because the rules keep changing, and although there are a million signs telling you to take your laptop out of its case and to have your ID ready, there are no signs telling you you're required to take your shoes off, even if you know they won't set off the metal detector.
But TSA does NOT require you to take your shoes off on the plane. I know that Britney famously went barefoot to the public bathroom, and that Kelly Clarkson performed at the Zootopia concert with no shoes, but you are not a pop star, and, really, you should not aspire to be Britney or Kelly anyway, so please put your shoes back on.
As noted above, there are a million signs instructing you to take your laptop out of its case and have your ID ready before you go through security. You have been standing in line for 10 minutes; please don't get to the front of the line and then slap the side of your head and say "Ohhhh....!" and then fumble to get your ID from the depths of your carry-on and your laptop out of its case.
Please don't stop walking in the middle of the terminal without warning. It's an airport; people are rushing (because it takes so darn long to get through security!)to make connections or pee or buy trashy magazines or whatever, and you are a hazard. Step aside if you need to make a call, check your gate number, or just take in the beauty that is Terminal C of Newark Liberty.
Those passengers who have Elite Status are, indeed, entitled to board the plane ahead of you. Quit your grumbling about "This is absurd" and "I'll show you elite status!" (wha...?). Everyone will get on the plane; wait your turn. You're a grown-up.
If you have a non-grown-up with you on the plane, like an infant, please remember that it is not adorable when said infant screams his/her head off for the entire six-hour flight. Please medicate your child heavily before take-off to ensure that s/he sleeps through the flight and does not disturb the other passengers. I'm only mostly kidding.
If the overhead bins are full when you board the plane (damn the Elite Status passengers for taking up all the overhead space!), suck it up and check your bag. I know it sucks; I know you want a 2-minute trip from the gate to the taxi without bypassing luggage claim, but tough. Don't start moving other people's crap so yours can fit.
Equally, don't waste the overhead space with your jacket and your purse and your other stuff that really belongs under the seat. I know it's gross under there, what with god knows what from people's disgusting bare feet, but it's not fair to use up all the overhead space with stuff that really doesn't need to be in there.
Finally, wearing headphones is a universal sign for "I'm not interested in chatting." Seriously. I'm trying to work, or watch Hilary Duff slouch through her Cinderella role, or catch up on who's leading in Celebrity Dance-Off (which I was totally watching in my hotel room until the computer person had to come fix my outlet and I was too embarrassed to have it on with her in the room). Shush.
Actually, I think that pretty well sums it up: Just, shush.
Love,
Tangent Woman
When I first started my job, I was all over traveling for work, and even more eager to tack long weekends onto my trips, particularly in San Francisco and Chicago, which are two of my favorite cities. But now that I'm old and have a gazillion things to do at work, travel is a huge pain. I want to fly in and out and be done. Another reason, for this, of course, is that I miss my husband -- and now our dog -- terribly while I'm gone (when I told my mom today that I wasn't psyched about this trip because "I miss my guys," she laughed and laughed, because I'm such a huge sucker for our poor worm-infested-but-nevertheless-adorable puppy).
I don't really mind hanging out in airports; I actually enjoy roaming around the gift shops, catching up on reading or email in the terminal while I wait to board, and -- to a point -- people-watching. I became a skilled people-watcher at a very early age, because when we'd go on family trips, my dad would insist that we be at the gate at least 3 hours before the plane took off, so I have vivid memories of my siblings and me sitting on top of our luggage, making up stories about the people walking by.
This, of course, was in a simpler time, when you didn't hear people's actual stories -- which are rarely as good as the made-up ones -- because they subject everyone in the terminal to their cell phone conversations.
I don't even think I can continue this rant; instead, I'll channel my frustration into an open letter:
Dear Fellow Travelers,
I know that the TSA people now require us to take our shoes off when we go through security, and I know that it sucks, especially because the rules keep changing, and although there are a million signs telling you to take your laptop out of its case and to have your ID ready, there are no signs telling you you're required to take your shoes off, even if you know they won't set off the metal detector.
But TSA does NOT require you to take your shoes off on the plane. I know that Britney famously went barefoot to the public bathroom, and that Kelly Clarkson performed at the Zootopia concert with no shoes, but you are not a pop star, and, really, you should not aspire to be Britney or Kelly anyway, so please put your shoes back on.
As noted above, there are a million signs instructing you to take your laptop out of its case and have your ID ready before you go through security. You have been standing in line for 10 minutes; please don't get to the front of the line and then slap the side of your head and say "Ohhhh....!" and then fumble to get your ID from the depths of your carry-on and your laptop out of its case.
Please don't stop walking in the middle of the terminal without warning. It's an airport; people are rushing (because it takes so darn long to get through security!)to make connections or pee or buy trashy magazines or whatever, and you are a hazard. Step aside if you need to make a call, check your gate number, or just take in the beauty that is Terminal C of Newark Liberty.
Those passengers who have Elite Status are, indeed, entitled to board the plane ahead of you. Quit your grumbling about "This is absurd" and "I'll show you elite status!" (wha...?). Everyone will get on the plane; wait your turn. You're a grown-up.
If you have a non-grown-up with you on the plane, like an infant, please remember that it is not adorable when said infant screams his/her head off for the entire six-hour flight. Please medicate your child heavily before take-off to ensure that s/he sleeps through the flight and does not disturb the other passengers. I'm only mostly kidding.
If the overhead bins are full when you board the plane (damn the Elite Status passengers for taking up all the overhead space!), suck it up and check your bag. I know it sucks; I know you want a 2-minute trip from the gate to the taxi without bypassing luggage claim, but tough. Don't start moving other people's crap so yours can fit.
Equally, don't waste the overhead space with your jacket and your purse and your other stuff that really belongs under the seat. I know it's gross under there, what with god knows what from people's disgusting bare feet, but it's not fair to use up all the overhead space with stuff that really doesn't need to be in there.
Finally, wearing headphones is a universal sign for "I'm not interested in chatting." Seriously. I'm trying to work, or watch Hilary Duff slouch through her Cinderella role, or catch up on who's leading in Celebrity Dance-Off (which I was totally watching in my hotel room until the computer person had to come fix my outlet and I was too embarrassed to have it on with her in the room). Shush.
Actually, I think that pretty well sums it up: Just, shush.
Love,
Tangent Woman
2 Comments:
Rock On! :) My dad was a career traveller and from the first time my sister and I stepped on a plane (around age 5 or so) we knew the "grown-up" way to travel, being prepared, etc. It drives us nuts when kids kick the back of our seats, parents let them run all around, adults act like this is their first time ever flying and forget things (like taking out your ID) or the people with 80 million questions at the ticket counter! I'll travel with you ANY day! :)
By
Jenn, at 12:19 PM
Try spending the entirety of a redeye flight across the country being pegged in the head with blow pops by the little league team that has been haphazardly spread about the plane. Sadly enough, this was not the worst flight I have ever taken.
-Shari
By
Anonymous, at 3:12 PM
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